Am I asking for too much, Ohio-bored-of-state-wide-holiday-planning? All I want is one day a year when I’m not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties.

Seriously, Ohio, these retinas need a day off! So here’s the dream: Friday after Christmas — which I have off — if you’re hedious, stay at home! Spend the entire day watching home videos of a time when you weren’t too repulsive for me to ever want to look at. And that’s how Sue C’s it.